I like the 5th raindrop

From an old bus ticket. No. 15. April 20, 2008. Scribbled in green pencil.
and another one. Megabus. April 25, 2008. Scribbled in black pen.

...I love walks down The Strand Should I wait for the light to turn green Damn I left the umbrella in the red bag And I forgot my Oyster Bloody Brilliant Have I got my key HSBC I shouldve withdrawn some money
Maroon 5 Last time I heard this song I was sitting on the bus to Terezin talking about Czech Republic in the post communist era What was the name of the woman again She had a black Labrador Though I will always associate the song with Che on a wall in Central Delhi
Oh an old bus I like the old London buses With the conductor and where one has to really hold on tight everytime the bus halts
I really should suck my stomach in and walk
Are they married
Do i remember which stop it is The one in front of the Tower Bridge I think
I like her shoes Though I would I ever wear pink Alastiar Campbell was wearing a pink tie Im glad I audited those modern political campaign classes Gosh Boris Johnson will be a horrific mayor
Maybe distance does do people some good
Why is S taking Y to India
Why would anyone want to vote for the Conservatives Pizza
Express does have funny looking plastic bags The Slug and the Lettuce
My what an ugly camera I miss mine Maybe it will turn up in my mailbox someday
I hate losing earrings R is a doll I love sussex
I was supposed to reach 20 minutes back
Do I have a crush on T
I should visit St Pauls
Why do people wear yellow
Was I too loud
I miss him But the feeling is still there
I should call him and find out
Brass polish
But then again relationships are complicated Maybe I was too impulsive
Isnt the bus supposed to turn left I think its the next stop
the ring does look nice on her finger
Why is he in the middle of nowhere without any network
What on earth is she listening to Is Jurassic Park a band
I shouldve picked another daisy
I wonder why it feels so normal I should be freaked out right now Am I shutting in again Isnt one person shutting in at a time enough
I shouldve worn the other socks
The guy is cute
I need to buy rice...

the blue box

how do you seek attention?
wrestling with the shadows of pride. and common sense.
holding up the apparently, callously made self.
wishing someone would see through the veils of egotistical self-preservation.
at red bus-stops and slouched on floors.
through crackling words at the other end.
on the grey and green nights.
beyond the echos that have become commonplace.
casually raising my hand. even though i know im not tall enough for anyone to see me.
is it possible to feel so small?

i procrastinate. a lot.

port wine in a plastic glass. laundry smells. crumpled blue-green-red-yellow. lead scribbles. compulsive dialling. raised eyebrows. blue showers. powder dipped fingers. unflattering elevator lights. red spots on brown dots. broken umbrellas. errand boy errands. expectant eagerness. rejection? flawlessly naive hope. parenthesis. cuticles.

yellow post-its piled on glossy screens. date diaries. red plugs. a double chin. empty letters. scars. the ones on skin.

lies. attention. mismatched socks. the lemony-green striped ones. trips i may never make. take?

what if's down a blue carpetted corridor. carpetted with a single t?

conversations. of boxes. little boxes on the hillside. or with lager.

and because grey relationships have yet to not puzzle me. and the thump. somewhere below my left foot.

note to self: permanent press, the next time.

Letters and Y

Y. who i adore. Of emails exchanged.

From/to she who makes sense of garbled words and more:

....Kinda numb to the world. Have lost my way. Looking for the light. Or even the tunnel. The tunnel through which i could express my feelings. Now its either lip bitting, throat lumping swallowing of emotions or outbursts from time to time...
***
rationality and irrationality are relative, right?
***
i think its about kicking a habit. its about filling up the spaces that are so easily and obviously filled... you'll find your mojo soon
***
i am going to hold my head up... and hope that my smile makes me stronger.....
***
you?!
***
i feel like a stupid, bimbette, jealous, dumbfuck..
***
im in this wierd time warp now. where time fuckin slips past and im left tired, but ironically with little done. time spent with you whirlpooled exactly like that.
***
: ) its strange how im reading this mail '0 minutes' after you wrote it!!!...yes, I do wish I had more calm time with you...dont fixate on being fixated!!!!
***
i wana dig a hole nw!!!
***
love you to grain-sized pieces!!!
***
i think im pms-ing or maybe im just stupid. show me the light!!
***
muddle is muddle becomes clear then muddles again...
***
the liberating paunch
...It had gotten comfortable somewhere in between the sunshine, and the familiarity; somewhere during the time when I started to let go...
***
stop calling me auntie...i detest it as much as babe!

sublime

...maybe I should give in. to the moments of silence. of the three thousand and twenty one seconds I spent staring at the computer screen.
maybe I should give in. to the moments of weakness. of the songs that I overplayed. of the mails that were re-read. of gmail dependency issues.
maybe I should really give in. to the moments of wanting to be pampered. to be seen through.

A mail from M made me realise today that unlike my "vehemently constructed self" my blog
"reeks of 'sappiness' and want". It is true. Like the very love letter I found on a random google search, and passed around while I should've been writing on critical discourse analysis - a lot of posts did want to make me hurl. But then again, I have my moments.

Lines from the letter I liked:
I have a thousand images of you in an hour; all different and all coming back to the same...
...I think of you eating omlette on the ground...I think of you against a skyline...

Rupert Brooke to Noel Olivier, 1911

I really do like the mundane.

Looking for a roadmap..

...Wishing so so intensely that I can get one off google.
Or seeking people who knew me when "all the history happened", desperately hoping that they help me locate the "YOU ARE HERE"

I have no idea how to get there anymore.

AND, I am not dressed for the occasion.


Postscript: ST here, being the good samaritan who pointed out to the ones I so obviously missed out on...a definite good read.

Going in circles

For self-defined selves
bubble wrapped sublimation
and othered distances

For hopeful calenders
prioritised dots on the map
and longing

For snatches of cities and the drums
efforts at moulding.
and despicably inane awkwardness.