From the inbox.

..coz i got mail..coz this is my most favourite email ever..coz very few people have the ability to honestly write for themselves..coz very few people can write so amazingly well..coz i absofuckinlutely adore the person who wrote this to me..

Narcissism
(Excerpts)
You know how u talked about finding ureself..How u were so afraid - ud never find that peace, that calm that comes from the satisfaction of having identified ure identity!! Well...i think i can say i had it for a while..but i lost it again. I suppose its important to lose it to find more about ureself. Its only wen u walk on new territory that you feel the need to re-discover.

I refuse to be stuck in any rut
I refuse to be one of the other ******ers - who party without any limits; who walk with blinkers, who hate the rain
I refuse to be like the people i know who have suddenly stepped out of home, and are dying to party
I refuse to be like the people who are going to parties JUST to socialize, coz u know how important networking is.

But i also refuse to be like those people who sit at home all day and wallow in self pity...or some pity
like those who sit here and crib abt politics,
like those who keep using words like 'multiculturalism'
like those whose lives revolve arnd one person, one activity, one event!!!!

I love the rain, i love my salwaar, i love my sneakers more, i love my earings as much, i love my socks, i love my skirts, i love dancing, i LOVE music, i love walking, i love the sun, i like taking the bus, i love crying, im in no rush to look for myself, or to make friends...
.......

...and so i think im in love! I found love n I dunno if this is the first, fifth or the 100th, but i didnt think i could fall in love again!! but i still havent found myself

So i sway from skirts to boots to sneakers to sweats!
So i sway from library to lunches with large groups to dinners alone to home parties to dance clubs
So i sway from the internet to walking on the street, to forgetting my phone, to the newspaper on the pot
So i sway from pirated movies to film festivals to movies in the theatre to streaming espisodes of sit-coms
So i sway from family to self to friends to networking..and i will continue to sway till i find what im looking for!

Love always!
P.S - if you read this - reply back with ure experience - if you feel differently or similar to the above!
This is a survey for lost-ness!!!!! haha

A typical night at the movies..

Glitzy lights and the nouveau riche. Rs. 160 (plus Rs. 30 as "convenience charge") for mudcaked seats. flashy cars and dilapidated realities. broken roads and cloistered dreams. cover illustrations and cheap bestsellers. tuna salad cravings. loud music and shwarma. no Bryan Adams for once. raised eyebrows. tens seconds of odd fame. meeting old acquaintances. cute attendant at the snack bar. shhh-glares at the backrow. the ubiquitous quick buck. a swish of the hair. "couples". jumping queues, actually, the lack of queues. "this or that". whispered phonecalls. dolby. celluloid moments jostling for space with languid afterthoughts. crumbled chips. dropped between seats. good salsa. a tug at the shawl. goddesses and begging bowls. ubiquitous lewd men. jarring-getting-under-my-skin horns. "generalisations" and essentialism. binaries. the Great Indian Dream.

PS: photographs by YB (with SH & TB). February 2005.

"The story of us!!!!!"

PS: it DOES get bigger when you click on it!

Oft-quoted

From Sabrina (1995):

"Illusions are dangerous people; they have no flaws."

The subcontinent dances

The bomb went off at 11.53 pm, i believe.
Some would like to think it'll be the new symphony for the waltz..
Someone should tell them we're doing the tango.

ego, id and time

There moments in each of our lives that essay definitive changes in us. Some are preceded by the drum roll..we know they're round the corner..others seem to imperceptibly walk through us. I also know of people who wait for those moments with perfect poise and bated breath..ready to jump onto life's next ladder..and then - yet - time-warped and obdurate, remain in limbo for life.
Also..
Is identity nothing more but the egotist image of the self?

postscript: gas bags, pigs and complexes can fly!..who would've thunk?

being in limbo..and i hate stamps.

From DM..because we were in collective limbo:

Subject: :) last mail about the limbo

hum intezaar karenge... hum intezaar karenge...
tera qayamat tak...
khuda kare ke qayamat ho, aur tu aaye!

Made us grin through what was to teach us a lesson or two about international politics..and disappointment. It's ironic how journeys to places a half hour away have come to generate so much of enthusiastic curiousity and places on pedestals in the head. Well, first round to realism...and the waltz.

As they say..

Will Durant:

It is a mistake to think that the past is dead. Nothing that has ever happened is quite without influence at this moment. The present is merely the past rolled up and concentrated in this second of time. You, too, are your past; often your face is your autobiography; you are what you are because of what you have been; because of your heredity stretching back into forgotten generations; because of every element of environment that has affected you, every man or woman that has met you, every book that you have read, every experience that you have had; all these are accumulated in your memory, your body, your character, your soul. So with a city, a country, and a race; it is its past, and cannot be understood without it.

of lessons learnt..some of them at least.

The most unlikely people teach you the strangest things. You pick up lessons, wisdom, vocations — by rote. and on hindsight. Early lessons. eating with chopsticks. assembling a lantern. tying shoe laces. respect. or lack of. doing the macarena. cynicism, stereotypes are internalized in a jiffy. and with the hourglass, the lessons proceed. changing tyres. losing friends. conforming. rebelling. putting up the right fight. fighting right. not fighting. taking decisions, or how to, is an important lesson. curling hair. switching gears. prioritising. fork in the left. the knife in the right. playing safe. existence. relative crises. lexicon. commitment. making PC. holding your breath under water. regretting. not regretting. restraining. letting go. wearing sarees. dancing in them. liking the wall-side. breathing. straight backs. there are things known as dustbins that are meant to be used. surviving. discovering the meaning of "epistemology". making the bed. using CD writers and gas lighters. dotting the "i", crossing the "t". interrogating. keeping quiet. changing bulbs. "thickening" skins. not lying. making salad. making pasta. listening. straight talking. painting rooms. keeping secrets. keeping cool. keeping faith. forgiving. following the heart. pushing. deleting extra "also's".

Random musings...

* It's will power or nothing.
* Locking up a house, even if it isn't yours, is one of the saddest feelings in the world.
* Too much churan is not always a happy situation.
* "I feel so happy I could burst" is a truism.
* Perfect weekends come more than once.
* I wish they made smaller thumbs on gloves.
* Pay attention to knots.
* Keeping a "lists" diary may not be such a bad idea.
* Can being a control freak drive people away?
* I do not like dissertations very much.

Na?

Sometimes..you don't want advice
Sometimes..
..all you need is a hug.

Sometimes I wish..

* Constructed religion never existed.
* Men who believe that they have the right to whistle/hoot at, push, brush against, own, molest and more, a person of the opposite sex should implode and go up in smoke.
* Men who believe that a loo is anywhere they decide to pee should also go up in smoke.
* The world never shrank.
* Possessing territory did not matter.

de buenas tardes

It's been one of those evenings. When you drive with the window down, loving the perfect breeze that's making your hair do its very own jig. It's not too cold. When you actually feel like smiling at all the people who overtake from the left. When you're in a chaotic crowd, and yet feel wonderfully alone. When ideas pop into your head like it's the next big race. When you're in the presence of great minds, listening to new approaches and discourses that make you think, yet you're dong some thinking of your own. When the smell of your favourite cologne passes you by. When you meet an old friend and laugh over a hilarious memory. When you actually think you're looking good. When you get five warm hugs in quick succession. When you get green lights all the way home. When your thought process makes perfect sense to you. When you suddenly realize that you know tons of wonderful people. When you find your favourite sweater that had mysteriously disappeared all winter. When your research doesn't sound stupid to you anymore. When you realize that the person you are closest to is the best editor ever. When they play "the reason" on the radio. When you think hope is not a completely futile idea. When you get 1am ISD calls and fours hours of internet time with people you absofuckinlutely adore. When you admit your not-so-great traits to yourself, and laugh at them. When it ends with the perfect cup of coffee.

My life will be sorted when..

* I drink more water.
* I spend more time OFF the internet.
* I stop wrecking havoc on my thumb.
* I learn how to prioritise.
* I get a new pen drive.
* I speak to myself a litte louder.
* I get a new loofah.
* I stop tying my blanket up into knots.
* I stop losing earrings.
* I finish my dissertation.

'The snowflake'

From Pudsie. My prism. My madhatter, sorter and alterego.

To me.
-----------

I look outside the window and see a snow flake
I see you in the snow flake
You’re my snowflake
Falling down with such fragility
Not afraid to hurt
Not afraid to melt

You’re the snowflake that fell on me
You used the power of touch
I felt your sharp edges, and your cold
You made me feel a new feeling
Many new feelings
Made me realize
The cold shook me up!

Then u melted, and I felt your warmth
Felt your softness

You became a part of me,
And then I was comfortable
My skin absorbed what you had to give
You’re a part of me now

You asked me to write for you?
Everything I write, I write for you and me
You’re inside of me now
And will always be.

Where ever I go, the snowflake will be in me.

With love

P.S – You’re here not to be, but to make others be.
You are what others need to survive.
You’re the snowflake that enlightens and comforts.
Don’t struggle to search for you
You were formed through a complicated process
Of warmth and cold
You’ve learnt your lessons
And you know now
That greatness lies in the ability to change forms
Rigidity never got anyone anywhere.

Its time you fall on others
Let others find you

1.27 am. 4th Feb 2007. London.

*sigh*

I miss G and G.

The story..

..of protective families. of ungratefulness. of centrally-heated offices. of favourite silver kolhapuris. of last-minute panic attacks. of coffee and beer. of working under pressure. of number-crunching. of the "roving eye". of greed. of falsehoods. of swollen toes. of lack of artistic talent. of a lump in the throat. of hugs. of vinegar-cheese maggi. of watch straps. of a favorite ring. of dance classes skipped. of superstition. of checked boxers. of impatience. of dreading dinner. of pretence. of taking more photographs. of swear words. of intrusive curiousity. of music in bad traffic. of social butterflies. of sneezing fits. of shorts in quilts. of red. of arial. of faith explorations. of clenched fists. of hairfall. of worry. of eternal sunshine. and the spotless mind. of summer in winter. of the brick wall. of regrets. of secrets spilled. of cravings and dishonesty. of chai without sugar. of the smell of smoke. of bravado. of men in uniform and men in rock. of chess and poker. of lutyen. of chaos. of cottonwool clouds. of premonitions. of skin on the thumb. of fuzz-inducing smiles. of compulsive spending. of open-ended questions. of good intentions. of right breathing. of flirting. of pores. of centred-selves.