Draft 1.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e e cummings

I'm out of words tonight. Out of words that I churn out of my mind. Try them on for size, and see if they fit. I write for the audience of one - me.
Tonight, I am out of words. My audience sits waiting.

my sorry excuse for statistics and epiphanies

Lack of responsibility

but, only, for the self/

Thus, gray. Conveniently

not black or white.

From the inbox.

From her, whose writing I have missed.

...life settles in all sorts of patterns, screwy squiggles too (but those are the most "aww-inducingly" fascinating ones, no?). And, sometimes we just forget that we knew we were/"obviously-would-have-been" okay as the soft grey of the pencil danced crazy on that sheet of paper.

...the kind that makes you wonder if you'll ever be able to count all the stars. But one that comforts you with the thought that, look, I've already got 111,28790 stars logged in my notebook. It suddenly stealthily also unties one from the moorings she held on to. It's scary and its bracing. It's bracing because its so scary. And the other way, too.

Msm.

In the midst of libertarian discourses, and rants about lost cutlery, the space still exists.
Though carefully veiled with pride, and which most certainly will remain.
That, and a self-preservation hood.
The space of habits. and of blankets.
Of the sun rising every morning.
So blatantly. Simply.

A part of me, almost disapproving.
The outward narration of woes. Of a denial of existence. Of following herds.

A space colonised, transformed, through miles and self-induced complications.
That which is expansive. of joy and secure laughter.
That which I am so sure of.
And then, Maybe, maybe, I will grow up.
Till then, I catch myself, and the quiet declarations.
This is how I want it to be. I think I really do want it to be the long mile.

I like the 5th raindrop

From an old bus ticket. No. 15. April 20, 2008. Scribbled in green pencil.
and another one. Megabus. April 25, 2008. Scribbled in black pen.

...I love walks down The Strand Should I wait for the light to turn green Damn I left the umbrella in the red bag And I forgot my Oyster Bloody Brilliant Have I got my key HSBC I shouldve withdrawn some money
Maroon 5 Last time I heard this song I was sitting on the bus to Terezin talking about Czech Republic in the post communist era What was the name of the woman again She had a black Labrador Though I will always associate the song with Che on a wall in Central Delhi
Oh an old bus I like the old London buses With the conductor and where one has to really hold on tight everytime the bus halts
I really should suck my stomach in and walk
Are they married
Do i remember which stop it is The one in front of the Tower Bridge I think
I like her shoes Though I would I ever wear pink Alastiar Campbell was wearing a pink tie Im glad I audited those modern political campaign classes Gosh Boris Johnson will be a horrific mayor
Maybe distance does do people some good
Why is S taking Y to India
Why would anyone want to vote for the Conservatives Pizza
Express does have funny looking plastic bags The Slug and the Lettuce
My what an ugly camera I miss mine Maybe it will turn up in my mailbox someday
I hate losing earrings R is a doll I love sussex
I was supposed to reach 20 minutes back
Do I have a crush on T
I should visit St Pauls
Why do people wear yellow
Was I too loud
I miss him But the feeling is still there
I should call him and find out
Brass polish
But then again relationships are complicated Maybe I was too impulsive
Isnt the bus supposed to turn left I think its the next stop
the ring does look nice on her finger
Why is he in the middle of nowhere without any network
What on earth is she listening to Is Jurassic Park a band
I shouldve picked another daisy
I wonder why it feels so normal I should be freaked out right now Am I shutting in again Isnt one person shutting in at a time enough
I shouldve worn the other socks
The guy is cute
I need to buy rice...