paradigm shift

I have always wanted to point out the exact day that winter gives way to summer. I think yesterday was it.

*shudder*

dysfunctional traffic lights and delhiites.
being the only woman in a mega traffic squabble.
five-feet long cars and five-inch gaps.
explicitives having references to mothers, sisters and the anatomy of the female, being flung all around you.

Afterthought:practising conflict transformation..and the satisfaction of totally kicking some MCP ass. :p

My favourite word..

Hmph. Simply..Hmph.

Five things I saw today..

Them Clones in concert
American Pie Five
old age
blue flowers on cacti
pretence

The Ego

Colour my contradictions so I may blend in
Unobtrusive and fragile
For my perfect, impatient moment
Will stand the test of time.

Hmm..

Getting to know people you thought you knew all about is one of the best feelings in the world.

As they say..

Charlotte Bronte:

Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.

:(

I cry tears of self-pity.of exaggerated loneliness.of stressed out syllables and perennial writer's block.

Today, I could do with..

Thirty-six hours in my day.(I wouldn't complain if there were more).A professional SOP writer.mint chai.A vacation.A neck massage.Time out with a good book (without feeling guilty).Someone washing my hair.My erstwhile absolute-comfort with solitude.A laptop.Meditation on top of a slide in the park.Tobasco-slathered potato wedges.A new copy of Roget's.A drag on Gudang.Meetha paan.A To-Do List.Appam.The smell of wet earth.A professional dissertation writer.Carol singing.A new wallet.Some silver polish.Sleeping early.Movie tickets for Guru,Happy Feet,Holiday..hell..any movie ticket!Salsa dancing.Crackling Spinach.Perspective from the Dalai Lama.Driving on 5th gear.Phone credit.Organizational skills.An ice pack.My favourite hymn.Functional library cards.Airline tickets to Bangalore.To London.To Ahmedabad.To Bombay.To Pleven.Prayer.Patience.A Time-machine.

From the inbox

From my two favourite people in the whole world. They often mirror what I'm going through. Without consciously realizing that they do.

"..but what about all the time in between? each day past is a day lost, and
not in some melodramatic way. its not happy or sad. its just- gone.
irretrievably, irrevocably. the protagonist of the book i read on the
plane is a writer. but he writes stuff on demand, like for ad agencies. he
says tht its nothing to be sad about, its just his job. like some ppl
shovel snow for a living, he writes for a living. he calls his job
'shoveling cultural snow'.
Am I shoveling...snow?"

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"I cried about where I would, if ever, find that support, and if I should look outside of me at all
I may not be sufficient for myself
I will not find it in one person,
But I may not have the energy to sustain many support systems...
But then..I smiled..because of all the support systems I have,
Because there will always be some people – I can call anytime with a crisis,
And I know that they’ll be there – with or without the sustaining."

the profound and the pretentious..

When I was younger, I used to always wonder how "adults" could end up messing up their relationships so much. Why they made things so bloody complicated. Why they didn't just say what they were thinking, or why anything else mattered when two people cared about each other.

Now, increasingly I realize, that I wish things were that simple. I've realized that people's relationships with those around them are not determined by who they like and who they don't..but by how much they reveal and how much they conceal, from whom.

Distance between people increases effortlessly..sometimes sneaking up on you, when you least expect it. And the space growing in between lies filled with lacy webs of ambiguity. Suddenly, I'm stuck between wondering whether to hug someone I thought was a really close friend, or to just smile and nod.

Afterthought:..is too much introspection a bad thing?

"In transition"

My catch phrase lately.or mantra as they say.Its been my state of mind for a while now.my current state of being.self-induced.partly circumstantial.

And I'm allowing it to rule me. Its affecting my relationships.my associations.my attitudes.I put too many things on hold. Trips to visit outstation friends. Commitment to work. Heck! even buying a new phone! On one hand, its convenient. I am a procrastinator.(wavering in my pride of late!) On the other hand, I think, mentally, I need my next milestone to come through soon. I've set my heart on it for a while now. And have assumed that everything needs to (and will) revolve around it. The flip-side of that of course is that if it doesn't come through, i will be quite lost for a while to come.

one is taught not to put all ones eggs into one basket. pin all one's hopes on (to?) something. all of us have traces of superstition creeping into our minds, the first chance it gets.

Pessimism assumes the perfect defence mechanism. preparing oneself for the worst. stamping out all signs of desperate hope that things will come through.

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In transition. Yet I seem to be the only one left behind. While everyone has desperately, ambitiously, doggedly moved on..hoping to figure out what exactly they set out to do in the first place. Metaphorically. and literally.

In transition. Goodbyes and hellos. watching the hourglass. waiting. the shrinking world greedily swallowing my security blanket away.

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In transition. Too much to do. Too little time. the perennial cliche.

Afterthought:
I use too many full-stops! reflection of finality or even decisiveness? I wish.