For today..

For all the conversations. beers. walks. riverside. colour. songs. sighs. hugs. moments. strangers. associations. buoyancy. denim. frozen noses. light. ash. autumn leaves. faces. nostalgia.
For today. That had noone and nothing other than me.
For the exuberance. together.
For the time that I will never be able to explain. without. or post facto recall.

It's been a while..

Sleeping at 5am never did anyone much good. But the autumn leaves and cider and smoke blowing out from the mouth, reeking of memories, did wonders. There has always been something about the night.

I'm the fray now. In the centre, if you like. Running.

Walking the walk I have learnt to love. Windows that sometimes go by in a flash. Those that I briefly glance at, smiling at the familiar me.

I like the old buildings. Don't quite like the alleyways I overlook.

I've learnt to be frazzled. But never let it seep in. It's ephemeral, you know.

I've learnt to make my peace with myself. At least on the good days. Make my peace with my awkwardness, latent aggression. and even with being on the periphery. I've made my peace with waking up to a grey sky. With 'alone'. I've made my peace with falling hair.

I sometimes yearn for listeners. Sometimes, I wish I remembered the stories I have tucked away.

I'm sure about my security blanket. After a long wait, I've found the circle around me.

I'm testing my ability to perform under pressure. But this year it's supposed to be a 100%...

London

I'm big on the comfort factor. Comfort in terms of letting go. In terms of not having to watch my step. In terms of my favorite shawl on my chair. I measure everything on the comfort scale - passion, chemistry and the rain.

Comfort vis-a-vis the self has been the most elusive.

From the absolute to the relative, comfort has moved from Che to a silver maruti to a photograph of a scrabble board on a cream wall in Central london.. it has been mushroom soup on a first day and it has been huddled in the middle of overwhelming affection. Faux leather blue sofas in a once-smelly kitchen and a second hand duvet cover. Hot dogs and books under a bridge. A now-torn map. the din of the tube. There were the impersonal headphones and of course, a boat on the Thames.

the fabled new

I'm the girl in pink amidst the sea of black and grey. I'm thinking of dyeing my jacket an inconspicuous blue.

I like my freezing nose and the familiarity in the alien. I like the long walks and the 'look left' on the asphalt. I like the feeling of wanting to draw on warm, charcoal-y smoke each time I'm outside for very long. I like the feeling of extreme fatigue each time my head hits the pillow. I like watching the people dotting the square. I call it Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, for some reason.

I like that I'm dealing with change even though it seems like my head doesn't know it yet.

This one's for me.

For strings
For midnight advice at old coffee haunts
For shoe purchases and watching the world pass a deserted market by
For movie-lines and their significance in popular culture
For 9am keeping with tradition
For closing distances in food
For so-sure that it's scary
For so-much..so-much
For floating time warps
For teaching calm
For taxi-ing before take-off
because clean slates never anchor.

the me, without

For the stranger without.
The need to be with someone arises squarely from wanting to tell someone about ourselves.

Lately..

..So lately..

I have bought books I do not need. Loved looking through piles in the old bazaar. Through the sweat. Through the romance novels I cannot (I have tried, but I just cannot sift through the complications) read. Through budgeting for my much-hyped fly from the coup. Looked through swanky bookshelves - mentally ticking off the titles I've always wanted to read. And those I know I should before I'm 25. I do not want to be caught drunk saying Das Urteil, What??

Oh, and one title I totally loved was "Life..and Changing Socks"!

Filling silences in every conversation is annoying. But what when you still go back to those conversations? Why do you?

Also, this one is long overdue..
7am scrabble. 1am and 3am drunken squabble. hangovers. feet on dining tables. crimson and jam. terracota and green. balcony. dove. 4am toothbrushes. tears in 002. trying and laughing. trying and fighting. heard of. seen now. saree at sunset. italian and beef and fried chicken and chinese and appams and KPs and eggs. bread buys grocery store tantrums. entrances. imaged. TC rooms. post office-induced exasperation. goosebumps and traffic. bakery? cluedo and prickly carpets. beer and beer.